why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
