We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Found your dick twin last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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