I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
