My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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