Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
