If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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