Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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