if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
