You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
