I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
