I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
