Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
