GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
