So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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