Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
