haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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