i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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