Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Green mimosas i think yes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
