At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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