He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize