Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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