i was born a porn star she said
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
