so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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