Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
