So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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