I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize