When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
