i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
