I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
