I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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