The maid of honor just puked.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
