just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
