Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
