On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
