Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Boobs are out for the taking
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
