You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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