to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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