I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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