He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize