dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
