apparently the secret to your success is patron
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
