I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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