I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
