I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
