The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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