Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
