P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
