im six kinds of drunk right now
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
