I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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