Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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