I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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