Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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