k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
