i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
