I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
