Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
