the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
